Mama-hood

Dear Adel,

Its been a while since I last wrote, you have been keeping me pretty occupied lately. You are now almost 11 months old and boy do I feel like we have come a long way since I brought you home from the hospital. You can now crawl on both hands and knees, pull yourself up, point to what you want and you love mimicking the sounds of animals. Although I can't really tell the difference between the sound of elephant, tiger, lion and cow since all the sounds you make sound the same, but it makes me proud that you are trying.

A couple of months ago, I find myself thinking that my life has somehow been hijacked by everything about you from the diaper changes, feeding, bathing, playtime and our walk round the block routine, it was overwhelming! Well I still do feel the same way but somehow in a good way. I used to feel that I have lost me and I keep on asking "when will you go to sleep?" in the hopes that I could have some 'me' time. Lately I find that I keep on checking on your old pictures while you are asleep and that I miss you while you were gone during those few hours.

I am now determined to teach you two main words and hope that you truly understand what it means. The words are 'Dirty' and 'Pain'. My main struggle lately is that you love to pick anything you find and put it in your mouth and if you do not find anything, you chew on things so that little pieces are left in your mouth. This makes it hard to leave you alone while I do the dishes and such. If you are all too quiet, I know you are up to something. Once I catch you with something in your mouth, you play pretend like there is nothing and try to divert my attention elsewhere, like pointing to your truck. This does not stop me from sticking my finger in your mouth in search for that little piece of foreign object and of course this will often end up in you biting my finger!

The next big struggle I have is that you love to bite and especially biting me. Today you bit my thighs and it left bruises! It was really hard not to raise my voice or not to pull you away but it hurts, i.e. pain! Please stop biting soon, it really is making me paranoid that you are coming just to bite me and you only have  teeth! Man are those jaw strong. So this word is more for me than for you.

By the way you took your first step on 4th December 2013! I remembered the date since it was my wedding anniversary. Now I know how it feels to be proud Mama! I better get fit soon so that I can run and catch you, so that we can play "police entry" and so many other games. Your big 1 year old birthday is also coming up soon and I have not plan anything for it yet. I was thinking that we could take a trip to the zoo in Al-Ain but we will see how it goes since your birthday is a public holiday it might be a little crowded. I am so excited watching you grow up.

Till my next post.

Lots of love,
Mama

9 months

Dear Adel,

You are  now just days shy to being a  handsome young 9 month old baby. I must admit that some days   I have it a little rough since I did not get enough sleep as you are down with fever and flu the past couple of days. You just love to cling to me, to be held close and although I am tired, I find myself reaching for my phone to browse at your recent pictures and videos and comparing it the old ones once you are sleeping. I would have a big smile across my face seeing all the progress that you have made, watching your laughs and your giggles.

I am so proud of all your progress. You can now crawl on both hands and knee, you can stand up with support from the sofa or other furniture (this drives me nuts because I often fear that you will fall and bump your head or something like it) and the best is that you have learned how to show things. I would ask you " Adel could you please show me the fish?" and you would slowly push your tiny fingers to the picture of the fish on the book. You understand some of the things that I tell you such as chew, sit, smile and hopefully more to come. It is funny how I would be shriek, clap and laugh every time you get to do something new.

Living in Abu Dhabi has been amazing so far but I do hope that we could get some sort of play date soon. We do not get to meet other babies that often since we are living in an apartment but I do try to take you to the little park that we have here where most of the kids there are big boys. You do seem to enjoy it though.

We will be traveling again soon, in the next two days in fact, and we will head back to Malaysia to meet with your family, aunties, uncles, cousins and your maktoks etc. It is going to be a 7 hour flight and it is just going to be the two of us. I hope we will get through it. I have prepared some items for the flight: iPad fully charged with lots of fun baby Apps, little toys, snacks for you to nibble on
change of clothes, enough nappies, baby lotion, bottle for water, socks and a sweater just in case you get cold. I really hope that your runny nose clears up before the flight and we could enjoy the flight back.

All the travelling has made me realize that you are growing up in a very tough world with temptations everywhere. I pray that you will be strong emotionally, physically and mentally, an that you will be wise with every decision that you choose to take.

Be strong, Be responsible, Be Smart

I love you.

Love,
Mama

The beginning

Dear Adel,

Assalamualaikum sayang. Today mama will be telling you about the story of your birth and the day that I first met you.

On the 31st December 2012, Mama promised to take Toknek and Tok Mami to visit Tokba who was doing his scope in Hospital Selayang. The night before, we gathered in Maktok's house in Subang and we were joking that I should be taking all my delivery bag together with me to the hospital. However, I was so sure that you will not be out till at least the 10th of january, at least I was hoping that it will be around that date so that your Ayah could be around during the delivery. He was working in Saudi Arabia at that time. I could not sleep the night before and I kept tossing and turning the whole night. It was just unconfortable since my belly was big and I just could not find the right position but I did not think anything of it.

So, on the morning of 31st December 2012, I took my own sweet time in the morning and made some sandwiches before heading to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital, I parked my car and headed to see the rest of the family who was waiting patiently for Tokba to wake up after his scope. Although I just had some sandwiches, I felt hungry so I asked your Uncle Fayzal to accompany me to the canteen where I decided to have Bihun Soup and a hot lemon tea. I picked a nice area to sit which was outside of the canteen where I could enjoy the sound of birds chirping and the green scenery while enjoying my meal. As I was eating I felt your kick, which I thought was pretty normal since you seem to be quite an active baby and you keep on kicking every couple of hours. However, soon after that I felt warm water trickling down my pants. I thought I had spilled some of my tea or maybe I had 'accidently' passed urine. I continued to finish my meal and once we were done, Uncle Fayzal stood up to leave and that is where I saw how much water that has actually 'trickled' down my pants. So I said, "Fayzal, I think my water bag just broke." I was in a very calm mood too but your Uncle started to panic.

We then called Maktok and told her what had happened and she panicked even more than Uncle Fayzal did! I told Uncle Fayzal to help get me a wheel chair and after a while of sitting down and waiting, Maktok arrived with Tok Mami, Tok Mamu, and Aiman. They all were with a nurse who was pushing a wheel chair. They then urgently pushed me to the labor room where I saw Uncle Fayzal who was pushing another wheel chair intended for me as well. I somehow found all of this rather hilarious. The whole panic was because I had plan to deliver you in Colombia Asia Hospital, where they had all of my medical records. So when we asked the hospital if we could go to Colombia Asia, they explained all of the risks involved and I finally decided to deliver you in Hospital Selayang. It was funny watching other expecting mothers who was quivering in pain but only had one person next to them, but I who at this point was not in pain had a whole group of people waiting for me. It was not funny watching the other mothers in pain, but it was funny that the security guard kept telling our family members to wait outside, the situation was funny and we are blessed with such a supportive family.

After a couple of hours of waiting, they finally gave me a bed. It is now 4 pm and Alhamdulillah I have no pain yet since I am not dilated nor contracting. Hospital Selayang is quite strict with visitors and visiting hours, so I sat on my comfy bed alone and watched the new year fireworks from the hospital window not knowing the pain that is about to come in the next few hours. At around 2 am, I started contracting and boy oh boy, I did not know that it will be this much pain! I definitely underestimated the pain level since I thought ladies have been doing this for centuries and some have so many, so it could not be that bad, right? Wrong! Everytime I have my contraction, I would get up and walk all around the ward, and finally the nurses scolded me to sit in my bed which of course I did not listen to them. I kept talking to you telling you that you better come out soon or else they will induce us and we have to wait even longer. I was so determined to get you out soon, so that we will not be induced and Alhamdulillah at around 8 am they brought me to the labor room. Once I was on the bed, I started to push although they said that I was not suppose to yet since i had another 2 cm to go, but I just could not help it. Once they saw your head crowning they told the other nurse to get Maktok to come and accompany me, but I could not wait for her any longer and with one long breath I pushed you out and out came your head. It was such a relief once your head came out, it was as though all the pain had disappeared in an instant. The second push was to get your body out and Alhamdulillah at 9:13 am, January 1st, 2013 you came into this world.

They then, wiped you clean and placed you on my chest while they prepared to stitch me up. Your skin was soft and red, your hair was thick and you just slept peacefully on me. I was in complete bliss. Alhamdulillah. You were such a well behaved baby. Somehow you helped me out and did not cry as much during the first few nights, probably you knew that there was nobody around to help mama at that time and since I was quite weak, it was just a blessing that you slept peacefully through the night. You will only cry when you are hungry of you need a nappy change, then you would fall right back to sleep. I was amazed the first time I breast fed you, that you just latched on and sucked away as tough you have been doing it all along. Probably that is how it is with every baby, but I felt it an amazing thing. MasyaAllah!

The next few weeks you had so many visitors from Uncles, Aunties and friends. We also held a feast (akikah) about a week after you were born and I purposely chose not to have all the frilly baskets and stage like most mothers do these days. I just wanted to keep things simple and made sure all the necessary things are done correctedly. So we had a Marhaban group who sang selawat and salam for the Rasul and some advice. Here are some of the pictures that was taken during your kenduri akikah.

Ok, thats it for today. Will write again soon!

Lots of love,

Mama

A lesson a day

Dear Adel,

Assalammualaikum sayang. It has been three and a half months since you are with me now. There are so many situations that we have been through together and everyday I keep on learning new things about you and about myself. It is quite interesting that as a mother I am required to teach you things, but somehow you never fail to teach me things as well. I am impress with your strength and with the courage that you have in you. I love that you somehow know what is wrong, you cry to tell me that there is something wrong or that you are uncomfortable and once I fix it, you are back to a bubbly baby. Alhamdulillah for being that amazing baby.

During my pregnancy, you taught me that I could not be in control of everything, that things will happen and I will have to somehow figure out the best way to deal with it. Then you taught me to be patient during the whole delivery process. I never had such determination and strength in my whole entire life but somehow I was determined to get you out as soon as possible, so I spoke to you the whole night through about how I wanted you to help me out. Alhamdullilah for the strength that I had in me that I manage to get you out with two long hard push and without any tears! You have now raised my level of confidence for I now believe that I can achieve wonders but I have to pick the right path first.

Then comes the responsibility and discipline. The change felt immediate although I had nine months to prepare myself mentally for what was to come. I felt that I was thrown into the deep end of the pool the first day in the hospital with you. I knew nothing about diaper changing, swaddling, breast feeding and the list goes on and on but that sense of responsibility kicked in and I just knew that I have to figure things out and it has to be done quickly! I have a habit of procrastinating things but when it comes to you, there is no such thing. If it needs to be done, do it now! Feeding time, diaper change, bath time and sleeping time; I just can't say, "I will do it later." Now Alhamdulillah we have some sort of schedule and I do try to stick to it despite all the traveling. I have also realized the importance of health and I will try my best to stay healthy for you. It would not be fair to you that your mom could not run and catch a ball just because she is overweight. Thank you for accompanying me on my daily walks!

You have also made me into a friendlier person. I used to ask Maktok how she could have random conversations with random strangers all the time. It seems like anywhere she goes people seems to be telling her things. Now I know that it is part of the gift of motherhood but nonetheless I will improve on my communication skills so that you know exactly what I am talking about and I could get you to tell me "things".

Above all, the best lesson you have given me is patience and love. Despite all the hair pulling, kicking, scratching and punching, you never fail to make me smile. The moment you smile, laugh and hold my hand, all the trouble seems to disappear as I go "Aaaahhh" or "Aaawwww". I even love the way you smell! It is a stress reliever.

My doas will always be with you.

Love,
Mama

I will always carry you

Dear Adel,

A friend of mine posted this write up on facebook and I felt that it expresses exactly how i felt, and continue to feel. Please do know that I will do my best as a mom and that I will always be by your side when you go though a hard time. I hope to be close enough with you that you could share your thoughts and worries, even when you are older and have your own family.

Love,
Mama

My new made with love jeans

Dear Adel,

Today i finished sewing your very own jeans! Although it is not your first jeans but I am very happy at how it turned out.
I am hoping to make more things for you and make good use of the sewing machine that i have now.

Love,
Mama

Haji Yadzid and his wonderful family

Dear Adel,

Assalammualaikum sayang. Your father and i was in Saudi Arabia while i was carrying you in my tummy since he was working there at that time. I was working as a field engineer and when I received the news that I was pregnant with you, that gave me the courage to leave work and be with your father in Saudi Arabia. After being there for a while I have learnt to love the place, the people and the activities that we get to do on you father's days off from work which we would usually travel and explore the kingdom. We got to know families who really live their life the islamic way and they would try to do everything in the way of Allah. One of the family that we managed to get close to was the family of Haji Yadzid.

Hj. Yadzid was a friend of ayah from his workplace, a Malaysian as well, who grew close to ayah as they were working on the same shift. Usually on the days off we would go for road trips to Makkah, Madinah and we even managed to travel to Haql from our home in Yanbu. Through these road trips, I got close to Hj. yadzid's wife, Kak Ayu, who I accepted as my own sister there. I felt that this relationship was a blessing from Allah as it opened up my eyes what a Muslim family means and the importance of raising children to be close to Allah.

I love the way that they would communicate with their three children, you could feel the bond and the affection they have with each other. They would perform their solah with Hj. Yadzid as the imam and his son would read the Qamat and both of them are blessed with beautiful voices. Through my observation, I realized Haji Yadzid would be reciting the Quran during his free time and once the son realizes this, Rausyan would join in and recite it as well. We were all excited when we knew that I was expecting you and when I left back to Malaysia to give birth to you, Hj. Yadzid mentioned to Ayah that  he will be having another "anak buah" soon, referring to you.

Unfortunately, about a week after you were born we had a devastating news that their whole family was involved in an accident on their way back to Yanbu from Tabuk where they had spent a short holiday there. The accident was pretty severe that left both Hj Yadzid and his son, Rausyan in the intensive care unit. Approximately about a week later we were told that Hj. Yadzid had passed away. I had tears in my eyes when I got to know the news although I had only known him for a short while for he is a wonderful person. This just made me realize where I stand in the battle to be a good muslim with all the temptations of the world be it materialistic or socially.

I called Kak Ayu to send my condolences, however I found myself speechless and unable to utter any words to console this kind lady. She was the one with words of strength and humbleness while I was holding back tears. I was inspired and amazed with the strength, courage and patience of Kak Ayu. She accepted that this was fated by Allah and kept her cool while fighting for her children. Only Allah knows what sadness lies in her heart, however my prayer will always be with her. May Allah always grant her the strength and patience she needs to continue on with her day by day routines.

Although you did not get to know the kind man, Hj Yadzid personally, I want you to know that there was this man who was excited to meet you and that he was a wonderful person. I hope you grow up to love Allah, the Quran and that you have a big heart, wanting to help anyone in need as this family did.

Aidil adha 2012

Will write again soon!

Lots of love,

Mama