Reflections and what if-s

Dear Adel,

Soon I will have to change the title of the blog and how I start my posts.. You will be a big brother and I have to be fair and give the attention to both of you equally.

Today we went to IKEA and to my surprise I bumped into my old friend from work. I was completely happy to see her. It was the first time I have seen her since we last met about 2 years back. Seeing her made me think of who and where I am now. Well I have completely changed if you ask people around me but somehow deep down I still feel that I am the me that I was then only thing is that I am a little toned down these days. To be quite honest, I am holding back on some of the things that I want to do. I would tell others and myself included that I am doing this because I want to take care of my kids. With all honesty there is some truth to that but at the same time I do feel that I am using it as an excuse to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself more.

I always hoped to be stronger emotionally, physically and mentally but the first step is always hard. It is harder when you explain yourself to someone in the hopes that they could boost up your morale but only later to find out that the other person just don't get it. so my support system at the moment is you and the little baby in the tummy. I have got to take a better care of myself in order to be able to take better care of both of you. I have to challenge myself each day and push myself to be the glue of the whole puzzle and somehow keep things going and running.

Lets tackle one thing at a time, okay? Lets deal with how I am going to get things organized in the house and then we will move on to the next things. I hope I get the help from you and your dad both. It is rather frustrating every time that I manage to clear a part of the house, it gets cluttered back when I move on to organizing the next part of the house. De-cluttering the house begins now, and we will have  an awesomely organized home by the time the baby is here. InsyaAllah. Make doa for me please.

Next issue I have to tackle is the time management issue. We have got to have some sort of time table for our day to day stuff. I have 24 hours in a day but somehow it seems like it is not enough. This can't be right? I am not even working! So yes, we are going to be more discipline in our time management. Less television and more reading. I am even falling far far behind in my arabic classes. Owh, that was the main reason we went to IKEA today to get me a study table, some sort of sanctuary for me and only me to study. I hope it works. It has to work. I have to achieve something! I do hope you will learn to play on your own soon but the last time that happened I do feel a bit sad looking at how grown up you are and soon you won't need me as much anymore. I always hope that I will be a choice for you to turn and talk to about things that excite you, things that bring you down and even about your dreams. I will try my best to listen and get on with the whole household chores.

this is not much of a story for you, it is more of a rant on my part. I just need to let it out of my chest. So , meeting up with my friend definitely made me think of what if I did not quit? what if I took a different path? what if I fought for things that I really want rather than putting myself in the backseat most of the time. What if this and what if that. Then, I came to a conclusion that I should not bother dwelling in the past so much. I can't change any of it. It's done and I need to move on. Just remember the mistakes that were made and try not to repeat them again. Its the here and now that determines the future. What I make of today will develop the me of the future. believe in Qada and Qadar. We shall have to strive for something if it is for us then He shall give it but if it isn't, it is okay. It is He who is the best planner and we just have to have faith in Him. He will also not burden us with something that we can't handle, so hang on and fight. Somehow you manage to do something with ease, say Alhamdulillah and know that He was there to make it easier for you.

Hope to write again soon.

Lots of love,
Mama

Conversations

Dear Adel,

You are now almost 16 months old and boy do you love to talk! I do try to catch and understand what you would try to say and most of the time I understand you but you don't really understand what I want to say at times. But guess what? I am happy that we are talking even when you don't understand me. I love our conversations. This is one of my favorite: 

Mama: Adel, do you want to go out today?

Adel: Out

Mama: Adel, I think we should go out today, What do you think? (Just to double confirm)

Adel: Think (While pointing at the door)

I am also trying to lay some ground rules to you on things you should and should not do like no climbing on tables, no playing with electrical cords, etc, you get the drift. I would warn you that you are doing something wrong and that you would go on time out if you continue doing so. In the beginning, every time I said time out, you would run to the door and get your shoes. Hmmm... Then I would say punishment and only then I would say time out for one minute. So you are getting the whole idea lately.
Your first time out, you made me so proud. I sat you in the corner of the room and told you to sit there for the whole minute and you did! Made me a proud momma instantly! After a few minutes, I realized that the whole minute was spent to poo poo.. Sigh... :)

Today, I after you kept pulling the light in the hall, I warned you of time out. Suddenly, you stopped and ran to a corner of the room and sat there all by yourself! I was definitely surprised by it. Then you smiled and ran to me and gave me a big hug. You are growing up so fast and slowly I feel sad whenever I think that you will be going to school soon. You will also be having a baby brother/sister soon and somehow I am happy and sad at the same time. I am happy there will be this whole new color and laughter in our lives but I am also torn that I will have to divide my time between the two of you.

I am praying for the best. Praying that Allah grants me with lots of patience and strength to get through this. I pray that Allah gives me the knowledge to be able to teach both of you to the straight path, I pray that all of us are granted with friends who will help us be closer to Him and always strive to be a better person. There is only one thing I would like you to know whenever you think about your childhood and growing up, I want you to realize that we (Ayah and mama) are always trying to give the best to you. Bear in mind that this does not mean that we will be giving you luxury, instead we hope that we could give you the tools you will need to get through life. There will be hiccups along the way, hey we are also learning here, okay? Hopefully, there isn't any major hiccups along the way.

Bottom line is, I love you and I love watching you grow up, but please don't grow up too fast. Hopefully, you would still run and give me hugs where you are older too.

Love,
-Mama-

Coping with my little toddler

Dear Adel,

You are now 1 year and 2 months old (almost).

I have spent the last 2 days looking for my phone all over the house. The last place I remembered using it was in the living room. I am pretty forgetful and clumsy when it comes to my personal belongings. I have been repeating the scenes of the day I last saw my phone and backtracking all of our steps to no success. How can I loose my phone in my own home??! The phone hunting has led me to look in all the little places and guess what do I find? Your toys! Yes, your little toys are all over the house in corners and under the baskets. This led me to think that hey you might have hid the phone somewhere. Every time I ask you "Adel, where is mama's phone?", you will place you hands on your ear and say hello. There was one time that you actually held my hand and walked me all the way to the house phone and pointed to it. Like "Ha.. there it is!"

I might need to turn the house upside down to find the phone. Sigh. Today has also been pretty stressful since I could not get the cooking and cleaning done. Then you started your little exploration and somehow opened the cabinets in the kitchen and you found a light bulb in a box. You gladly opened it and started swinging and knocking it all around. If this were a movie, there would be some happy song in this scene because you seemed to be dancing somehow. I didn't realize the bulb till it was too late. You took it and hit it to the door and it shattered. I bet you were scared too with the loud sound because it showed when you just stood still, knowing you just got yourself in trouble. Cute.

There is also a habit of undoing whatever I have done for example you like to pull folded clothes, you will also pull clothes that I have already hung to dry and the most annoying thing is when I throw something in the rubbish bin, you will try to get it back. I sigh even when I think of it. I bet this is just curiosity and I am happy that you are developing so well and you are so smart, but this tests my patience. Once, let it go, twice tell you please don't do it. This goes on and on and I find myself asking is it too early to punish you? I wanted you to sit in "naughty corner" but you don't get the concept just yet. So all I do is exhale and say "Ya Allah, please give me patience and strength to get through this!".

No matter what happens, you will never fail to remind me how much I love you. I will tell you that you did something wrong and you have to say sorry and you would immediately hand out your hand to "salam" and ask for forgiveness. I love that kids don't know things like grudges and once its done and we just move on. Need to apply this in my other parts of my life too. I love it when you wake up and you would come to me and give me a big hug. I love you.

Recently I found out a big big news that we will be having another baby. You are going to be a big brother! I have told you about it and I am not too sure how much you actually understand from the conversation but I would say "would you like to give baby a hug?", then you would hug or kiss my belly. I am also trying very hard to explain to you that you need to be gentle with babies and I really hope it goes well. Truth is I am scared. So many things run through my head, "will I be able to cope with both of you?", "where am I going to give birth?", "who is going to help me?", "how about work, should I go back to it now or anytime soon?", and the list goes on and on. I am going to be 30 next year and I have left the workforce for 2 years now and I am in fear that I am falling behind somehow in life. Everybody's life is different and everyone has their own trials and tribulation. We just need to figure things out, somehow.

I am praying that your little baby sister or brother will be strong, smart and charming just like you. I have high hopes for both of you.

Please be good.

Love you.
-Mama-   

Mama-hood

Dear Adel,

Its been a while since I last wrote, you have been keeping me pretty occupied lately. You are now almost 11 months old and boy do I feel like we have come a long way since I brought you home from the hospital. You can now crawl on both hands and knees, pull yourself up, point to what you want and you love mimicking the sounds of animals. Although I can't really tell the difference between the sound of elephant, tiger, lion and cow since all the sounds you make sound the same, but it makes me proud that you are trying.

A couple of months ago, I find myself thinking that my life has somehow been hijacked by everything about you from the diaper changes, feeding, bathing, playtime and our walk round the block routine, it was overwhelming! Well I still do feel the same way but somehow in a good way. I used to feel that I have lost me and I keep on asking "when will you go to sleep?" in the hopes that I could have some 'me' time. Lately I find that I keep on checking on your old pictures while you are asleep and that I miss you while you were gone during those few hours.

I am now determined to teach you two main words and hope that you truly understand what it means. The words are 'Dirty' and 'Pain'. My main struggle lately is that you love to pick anything you find and put it in your mouth and if you do not find anything, you chew on things so that little pieces are left in your mouth. This makes it hard to leave you alone while I do the dishes and such. If you are all too quiet, I know you are up to something. Once I catch you with something in your mouth, you play pretend like there is nothing and try to divert my attention elsewhere, like pointing to your truck. This does not stop me from sticking my finger in your mouth in search for that little piece of foreign object and of course this will often end up in you biting my finger!

The next big struggle I have is that you love to bite and especially biting me. Today you bit my thighs and it left bruises! It was really hard not to raise my voice or not to pull you away but it hurts, i.e. pain! Please stop biting soon, it really is making me paranoid that you are coming just to bite me and you only have  teeth! Man are those jaw strong. So this word is more for me than for you.

By the way you took your first step on 4th December 2013! I remembered the date since it was my wedding anniversary. Now I know how it feels to be proud Mama! I better get fit soon so that I can run and catch you, so that we can play "police entry" and so many other games. Your big 1 year old birthday is also coming up soon and I have not plan anything for it yet. I was thinking that we could take a trip to the zoo in Al-Ain but we will see how it goes since your birthday is a public holiday it might be a little crowded. I am so excited watching you grow up.

Till my next post.

Lots of love,
Mama

9 months

Dear Adel,

You are  now just days shy to being a  handsome young 9 month old baby. I must admit that some days   I have it a little rough since I did not get enough sleep as you are down with fever and flu the past couple of days. You just love to cling to me, to be held close and although I am tired, I find myself reaching for my phone to browse at your recent pictures and videos and comparing it the old ones once you are sleeping. I would have a big smile across my face seeing all the progress that you have made, watching your laughs and your giggles.

I am so proud of all your progress. You can now crawl on both hands and knee, you can stand up with support from the sofa or other furniture (this drives me nuts because I often fear that you will fall and bump your head or something like it) and the best is that you have learned how to show things. I would ask you " Adel could you please show me the fish?" and you would slowly push your tiny fingers to the picture of the fish on the book. You understand some of the things that I tell you such as chew, sit, smile and hopefully more to come. It is funny how I would be shriek, clap and laugh every time you get to do something new.

Living in Abu Dhabi has been amazing so far but I do hope that we could get some sort of play date soon. We do not get to meet other babies that often since we are living in an apartment but I do try to take you to the little park that we have here where most of the kids there are big boys. You do seem to enjoy it though.

We will be traveling again soon, in the next two days in fact, and we will head back to Malaysia to meet with your family, aunties, uncles, cousins and your maktoks etc. It is going to be a 7 hour flight and it is just going to be the two of us. I hope we will get through it. I have prepared some items for the flight: iPad fully charged with lots of fun baby Apps, little toys, snacks for you to nibble on
change of clothes, enough nappies, baby lotion, bottle for water, socks and a sweater just in case you get cold. I really hope that your runny nose clears up before the flight and we could enjoy the flight back.

All the travelling has made me realize that you are growing up in a very tough world with temptations everywhere. I pray that you will be strong emotionally, physically and mentally, an that you will be wise with every decision that you choose to take.

Be strong, Be responsible, Be Smart

I love you.

Love,
Mama

The beginning

Dear Adel,

Assalamualaikum sayang. Today mama will be telling you about the story of your birth and the day that I first met you.

On the 31st December 2012, Mama promised to take Toknek and Tok Mami to visit Tokba who was doing his scope in Hospital Selayang. The night before, we gathered in Maktok's house in Subang and we were joking that I should be taking all my delivery bag together with me to the hospital. However, I was so sure that you will not be out till at least the 10th of january, at least I was hoping that it will be around that date so that your Ayah could be around during the delivery. He was working in Saudi Arabia at that time. I could not sleep the night before and I kept tossing and turning the whole night. It was just unconfortable since my belly was big and I just could not find the right position but I did not think anything of it.

So, on the morning of 31st December 2012, I took my own sweet time in the morning and made some sandwiches before heading to the hospital. Once we arrived at the hospital, I parked my car and headed to see the rest of the family who was waiting patiently for Tokba to wake up after his scope. Although I just had some sandwiches, I felt hungry so I asked your Uncle Fayzal to accompany me to the canteen where I decided to have Bihun Soup and a hot lemon tea. I picked a nice area to sit which was outside of the canteen where I could enjoy the sound of birds chirping and the green scenery while enjoying my meal. As I was eating I felt your kick, which I thought was pretty normal since you seem to be quite an active baby and you keep on kicking every couple of hours. However, soon after that I felt warm water trickling down my pants. I thought I had spilled some of my tea or maybe I had 'accidently' passed urine. I continued to finish my meal and once we were done, Uncle Fayzal stood up to leave and that is where I saw how much water that has actually 'trickled' down my pants. So I said, "Fayzal, I think my water bag just broke." I was in a very calm mood too but your Uncle started to panic.

We then called Maktok and told her what had happened and she panicked even more than Uncle Fayzal did! I told Uncle Fayzal to help get me a wheel chair and after a while of sitting down and waiting, Maktok arrived with Tok Mami, Tok Mamu, and Aiman. They all were with a nurse who was pushing a wheel chair. They then urgently pushed me to the labor room where I saw Uncle Fayzal who was pushing another wheel chair intended for me as well. I somehow found all of this rather hilarious. The whole panic was because I had plan to deliver you in Colombia Asia Hospital, where they had all of my medical records. So when we asked the hospital if we could go to Colombia Asia, they explained all of the risks involved and I finally decided to deliver you in Hospital Selayang. It was funny watching other expecting mothers who was quivering in pain but only had one person next to them, but I who at this point was not in pain had a whole group of people waiting for me. It was not funny watching the other mothers in pain, but it was funny that the security guard kept telling our family members to wait outside, the situation was funny and we are blessed with such a supportive family.

After a couple of hours of waiting, they finally gave me a bed. It is now 4 pm and Alhamdulillah I have no pain yet since I am not dilated nor contracting. Hospital Selayang is quite strict with visitors and visiting hours, so I sat on my comfy bed alone and watched the new year fireworks from the hospital window not knowing the pain that is about to come in the next few hours. At around 2 am, I started contracting and boy oh boy, I did not know that it will be this much pain! I definitely underestimated the pain level since I thought ladies have been doing this for centuries and some have so many, so it could not be that bad, right? Wrong! Everytime I have my contraction, I would get up and walk all around the ward, and finally the nurses scolded me to sit in my bed which of course I did not listen to them. I kept talking to you telling you that you better come out soon or else they will induce us and we have to wait even longer. I was so determined to get you out soon, so that we will not be induced and Alhamdulillah at around 8 am they brought me to the labor room. Once I was on the bed, I started to push although they said that I was not suppose to yet since i had another 2 cm to go, but I just could not help it. Once they saw your head crowning they told the other nurse to get Maktok to come and accompany me, but I could not wait for her any longer and with one long breath I pushed you out and out came your head. It was such a relief once your head came out, it was as though all the pain had disappeared in an instant. The second push was to get your body out and Alhamdulillah at 9:13 am, January 1st, 2013 you came into this world.

They then, wiped you clean and placed you on my chest while they prepared to stitch me up. Your skin was soft and red, your hair was thick and you just slept peacefully on me. I was in complete bliss. Alhamdulillah. You were such a well behaved baby. Somehow you helped me out and did not cry as much during the first few nights, probably you knew that there was nobody around to help mama at that time and since I was quite weak, it was just a blessing that you slept peacefully through the night. You will only cry when you are hungry of you need a nappy change, then you would fall right back to sleep. I was amazed the first time I breast fed you, that you just latched on and sucked away as tough you have been doing it all along. Probably that is how it is with every baby, but I felt it an amazing thing. MasyaAllah!

The next few weeks you had so many visitors from Uncles, Aunties and friends. We also held a feast (akikah) about a week after you were born and I purposely chose not to have all the frilly baskets and stage like most mothers do these days. I just wanted to keep things simple and made sure all the necessary things are done correctedly. So we had a Marhaban group who sang selawat and salam for the Rasul and some advice. Here are some of the pictures that was taken during your kenduri akikah.

Ok, thats it for today. Will write again soon!

Lots of love,

Mama

A lesson a day

Dear Adel,

Assalammualaikum sayang. It has been three and a half months since you are with me now. There are so many situations that we have been through together and everyday I keep on learning new things about you and about myself. It is quite interesting that as a mother I am required to teach you things, but somehow you never fail to teach me things as well. I am impress with your strength and with the courage that you have in you. I love that you somehow know what is wrong, you cry to tell me that there is something wrong or that you are uncomfortable and once I fix it, you are back to a bubbly baby. Alhamdulillah for being that amazing baby.

During my pregnancy, you taught me that I could not be in control of everything, that things will happen and I will have to somehow figure out the best way to deal with it. Then you taught me to be patient during the whole delivery process. I never had such determination and strength in my whole entire life but somehow I was determined to get you out as soon as possible, so I spoke to you the whole night through about how I wanted you to help me out. Alhamdullilah for the strength that I had in me that I manage to get you out with two long hard push and without any tears! You have now raised my level of confidence for I now believe that I can achieve wonders but I have to pick the right path first.

Then comes the responsibility and discipline. The change felt immediate although I had nine months to prepare myself mentally for what was to come. I felt that I was thrown into the deep end of the pool the first day in the hospital with you. I knew nothing about diaper changing, swaddling, breast feeding and the list goes on and on but that sense of responsibility kicked in and I just knew that I have to figure things out and it has to be done quickly! I have a habit of procrastinating things but when it comes to you, there is no such thing. If it needs to be done, do it now! Feeding time, diaper change, bath time and sleeping time; I just can't say, "I will do it later." Now Alhamdulillah we have some sort of schedule and I do try to stick to it despite all the traveling. I have also realized the importance of health and I will try my best to stay healthy for you. It would not be fair to you that your mom could not run and catch a ball just because she is overweight. Thank you for accompanying me on my daily walks!

You have also made me into a friendlier person. I used to ask Maktok how she could have random conversations with random strangers all the time. It seems like anywhere she goes people seems to be telling her things. Now I know that it is part of the gift of motherhood but nonetheless I will improve on my communication skills so that you know exactly what I am talking about and I could get you to tell me "things".

Above all, the best lesson you have given me is patience and love. Despite all the hair pulling, kicking, scratching and punching, you never fail to make me smile. The moment you smile, laugh and hold my hand, all the trouble seems to disappear as I go "Aaaahhh" or "Aaawwww". I even love the way you smell! It is a stress reliever.

My doas will always be with you.

Love,
Mama