Reflections and what if-s

Dear Adel,

Soon I will have to change the title of the blog and how I start my posts.. You will be a big brother and I have to be fair and give the attention to both of you equally.

Today we went to IKEA and to my surprise I bumped into my old friend from work. I was completely happy to see her. It was the first time I have seen her since we last met about 2 years back. Seeing her made me think of who and where I am now. Well I have completely changed if you ask people around me but somehow deep down I still feel that I am the me that I was then only thing is that I am a little toned down these days. To be quite honest, I am holding back on some of the things that I want to do. I would tell others and myself included that I am doing this because I want to take care of my kids. With all honesty there is some truth to that but at the same time I do feel that I am using it as an excuse to get out of my comfort zone and challenge myself more.

I always hoped to be stronger emotionally, physically and mentally but the first step is always hard. It is harder when you explain yourself to someone in the hopes that they could boost up your morale but only later to find out that the other person just don't get it. so my support system at the moment is you and the little baby in the tummy. I have got to take a better care of myself in order to be able to take better care of both of you. I have to challenge myself each day and push myself to be the glue of the whole puzzle and somehow keep things going and running.

Lets tackle one thing at a time, okay? Lets deal with how I am going to get things organized in the house and then we will move on to the next things. I hope I get the help from you and your dad both. It is rather frustrating every time that I manage to clear a part of the house, it gets cluttered back when I move on to organizing the next part of the house. De-cluttering the house begins now, and we will have  an awesomely organized home by the time the baby is here. InsyaAllah. Make doa for me please.

Next issue I have to tackle is the time management issue. We have got to have some sort of time table for our day to day stuff. I have 24 hours in a day but somehow it seems like it is not enough. This can't be right? I am not even working! So yes, we are going to be more discipline in our time management. Less television and more reading. I am even falling far far behind in my arabic classes. Owh, that was the main reason we went to IKEA today to get me a study table, some sort of sanctuary for me and only me to study. I hope it works. It has to work. I have to achieve something! I do hope you will learn to play on your own soon but the last time that happened I do feel a bit sad looking at how grown up you are and soon you won't need me as much anymore. I always hope that I will be a choice for you to turn and talk to about things that excite you, things that bring you down and even about your dreams. I will try my best to listen and get on with the whole household chores.

this is not much of a story for you, it is more of a rant on my part. I just need to let it out of my chest. So , meeting up with my friend definitely made me think of what if I did not quit? what if I took a different path? what if I fought for things that I really want rather than putting myself in the backseat most of the time. What if this and what if that. Then, I came to a conclusion that I should not bother dwelling in the past so much. I can't change any of it. It's done and I need to move on. Just remember the mistakes that were made and try not to repeat them again. Its the here and now that determines the future. What I make of today will develop the me of the future. believe in Qada and Qadar. We shall have to strive for something if it is for us then He shall give it but if it isn't, it is okay. It is He who is the best planner and we just have to have faith in Him. He will also not burden us with something that we can't handle, so hang on and fight. Somehow you manage to do something with ease, say Alhamdulillah and know that He was there to make it easier for you.

Hope to write again soon.

Lots of love,
Mama

Conversations

Dear Adel,

You are now almost 16 months old and boy do you love to talk! I do try to catch and understand what you would try to say and most of the time I understand you but you don't really understand what I want to say at times. But guess what? I am happy that we are talking even when you don't understand me. I love our conversations. This is one of my favorite: 

Mama: Adel, do you want to go out today?

Adel: Out

Mama: Adel, I think we should go out today, What do you think? (Just to double confirm)

Adel: Think (While pointing at the door)

I am also trying to lay some ground rules to you on things you should and should not do like no climbing on tables, no playing with electrical cords, etc, you get the drift. I would warn you that you are doing something wrong and that you would go on time out if you continue doing so. In the beginning, every time I said time out, you would run to the door and get your shoes. Hmmm... Then I would say punishment and only then I would say time out for one minute. So you are getting the whole idea lately.
Your first time out, you made me so proud. I sat you in the corner of the room and told you to sit there for the whole minute and you did! Made me a proud momma instantly! After a few minutes, I realized that the whole minute was spent to poo poo.. Sigh... :)

Today, I after you kept pulling the light in the hall, I warned you of time out. Suddenly, you stopped and ran to a corner of the room and sat there all by yourself! I was definitely surprised by it. Then you smiled and ran to me and gave me a big hug. You are growing up so fast and slowly I feel sad whenever I think that you will be going to school soon. You will also be having a baby brother/sister soon and somehow I am happy and sad at the same time. I am happy there will be this whole new color and laughter in our lives but I am also torn that I will have to divide my time between the two of you.

I am praying for the best. Praying that Allah grants me with lots of patience and strength to get through this. I pray that Allah gives me the knowledge to be able to teach both of you to the straight path, I pray that all of us are granted with friends who will help us be closer to Him and always strive to be a better person. There is only one thing I would like you to know whenever you think about your childhood and growing up, I want you to realize that we (Ayah and mama) are always trying to give the best to you. Bear in mind that this does not mean that we will be giving you luxury, instead we hope that we could give you the tools you will need to get through life. There will be hiccups along the way, hey we are also learning here, okay? Hopefully, there isn't any major hiccups along the way.

Bottom line is, I love you and I love watching you grow up, but please don't grow up too fast. Hopefully, you would still run and give me hugs where you are older too.

Love,
-Mama-

Coping with my little toddler

Dear Adel,

You are now 1 year and 2 months old (almost).

I have spent the last 2 days looking for my phone all over the house. The last place I remembered using it was in the living room. I am pretty forgetful and clumsy when it comes to my personal belongings. I have been repeating the scenes of the day I last saw my phone and backtracking all of our steps to no success. How can I loose my phone in my own home??! The phone hunting has led me to look in all the little places and guess what do I find? Your toys! Yes, your little toys are all over the house in corners and under the baskets. This led me to think that hey you might have hid the phone somewhere. Every time I ask you "Adel, where is mama's phone?", you will place you hands on your ear and say hello. There was one time that you actually held my hand and walked me all the way to the house phone and pointed to it. Like "Ha.. there it is!"

I might need to turn the house upside down to find the phone. Sigh. Today has also been pretty stressful since I could not get the cooking and cleaning done. Then you started your little exploration and somehow opened the cabinets in the kitchen and you found a light bulb in a box. You gladly opened it and started swinging and knocking it all around. If this were a movie, there would be some happy song in this scene because you seemed to be dancing somehow. I didn't realize the bulb till it was too late. You took it and hit it to the door and it shattered. I bet you were scared too with the loud sound because it showed when you just stood still, knowing you just got yourself in trouble. Cute.

There is also a habit of undoing whatever I have done for example you like to pull folded clothes, you will also pull clothes that I have already hung to dry and the most annoying thing is when I throw something in the rubbish bin, you will try to get it back. I sigh even when I think of it. I bet this is just curiosity and I am happy that you are developing so well and you are so smart, but this tests my patience. Once, let it go, twice tell you please don't do it. This goes on and on and I find myself asking is it too early to punish you? I wanted you to sit in "naughty corner" but you don't get the concept just yet. So all I do is exhale and say "Ya Allah, please give me patience and strength to get through this!".

No matter what happens, you will never fail to remind me how much I love you. I will tell you that you did something wrong and you have to say sorry and you would immediately hand out your hand to "salam" and ask for forgiveness. I love that kids don't know things like grudges and once its done and we just move on. Need to apply this in my other parts of my life too. I love it when you wake up and you would come to me and give me a big hug. I love you.

Recently I found out a big big news that we will be having another baby. You are going to be a big brother! I have told you about it and I am not too sure how much you actually understand from the conversation but I would say "would you like to give baby a hug?", then you would hug or kiss my belly. I am also trying very hard to explain to you that you need to be gentle with babies and I really hope it goes well. Truth is I am scared. So many things run through my head, "will I be able to cope with both of you?", "where am I going to give birth?", "who is going to help me?", "how about work, should I go back to it now or anytime soon?", and the list goes on and on. I am going to be 30 next year and I have left the workforce for 2 years now and I am in fear that I am falling behind somehow in life. Everybody's life is different and everyone has their own trials and tribulation. We just need to figure things out, somehow.

I am praying that your little baby sister or brother will be strong, smart and charming just like you. I have high hopes for both of you.

Please be good.

Love you.
-Mama-